Why your feelings of disconnection might be caused by people pleasing

My people-pleasing tendencies left me feeling bone-tired and achy.

Years ago, I was listening to a sleep meditation and when the teacher said, “Take a deep breath and relax like you would at the end of a hard day’s work, you know how good that feels,” I thought, yes, that full-body sinking in, that letting go is exactly what I crave.

I used to feel bone tired at the end of almost every day. My body ached from exhaustion, but it wasn’t just physical. Inside, I felt empty and disconnected. 

I couldn’t shake that nagging ache that something was missing. 

Around that time, I first heard the concept of people pleasing. It was like someone flipped on the lights. I realized I played the role of trying to make sure the people around me were happy before I could think about my own needs, let alone if I was satisfied.

I felt responsible for everyone’s mood, comfort, and enjoyment. This stretched to my husband, my kids, my co-workers, friends, and anyone I came into contact with. 

The funny thing is, I was kind, but I wasn’t an overly giving or nice person; I didn’t really have the energy for that. In fact, with the people closest to me, I could be very irritable and short. How do these match up? Well, in my hypervigilance of trying to keep others calm and satisfied, I built up a lot of shame and resentment, and this caused me to snap at the smallest things. 

I’d wake up in the morning, and my mind was already running ahead: Is everyone okay? What do they need? How can I keep the peace?

I felt disconnected from what I wanted, needed, or felt. I was so busy worrying about everyone else that I wasn’t fully enjoying my relationships with the people around me because I wasn’t fully present.

What is people pleasing?

People pleasing is a part of you. 

As defined in The Adult Chair® model (the coaching methodology I practice), people pleasing is an egoic part that develops to protect us and keep us fitting in during in adolescence. If we believe that we are worthy and safe only when our family or caregivers are calm and happy, we might become people pleasers. If you are the helper, the peacemaker, or the easy-going one, this might be you. You may have learned growing up: If I take up less space, if I keep everyone else happy, maybe I’ll feel safe and loved.

It may have worked back then, but the cost as an adult is high: you lose your connection to yourself. You give up knowing your wants and needs. You might feel low self-worth, struggle with boundaries, and have no idea what you truly want, spending all of your energy on everyone else.

Signs of people pleasing

There is no one to blame here. If these resonate with you, just know that at some point in your life, you became convinced that others’ needs are more important than yours. You started to focus externally instead of internally. There are many reasons for this, none of them your fault.

Here are some signs you might be a people pleaser:

• You say yes when you mean no

• You struggle to set or hold boundaries

• You worry about disappointing others

• You feel hyper-aware of other people’s moods and feel it’s your job to fix them

• You apologize when you’ve done nothing wrong. (The “I’m sorry” reflex is real!)

• You want everyone to like you and feel crushed if they don’t

• You feel restless if someone isn’t okay

• You aren’t sure about your wants, needs, or desires (and you rarely express them)

Coming back home

You don’t have to stop caring about other people to stop being a people pleaser. What you can do is learn to live as your true self instead of being driven by that survival part.

Here are some ways to get started:

Spot it. When are you people pleasing, and when are you being authentically kind? There’s a difference. People pleasing feels cold, draining, anxious, or performative. True kindness feels warm, welcoming, and connected to your heart.

Get to know it. Your people pleaser is a of you. Get curious about it. When does it show up? What does it believe? What does it want you to know? What feelings does it have? This is powerful work and if it seems daunting, know that I am here as a guide and support. 

Build your identity. People pleasers often don’t know their preferences, needs, and wants. Try making a list of what you enjoy, want, need, love, and don’t love. The process of putting this on paper helps you start to build a full pictures of yourself.

Practice boundaries. As a people pleaser, you may struggle to know where you end and others begin. Boundaries are a way of letting others know we want to be treated. The onus is on us as the boundary setter to be clear, to the point, and follow up on our boundary. Notice what feels okay and what doesn’t. You can start small with simple requests and know that “No” is a complete sentence! 

Feel your feelings. Your body holds your truth, including your emotions. When you start learning to feel your feelings, ask yourself, “What do you feel in your body?” You can do this through a body scan. Take it slow and breathe.  

Remind yourself: You are enough. You do not have to earn love through over-giving. You are worthy just because you are you.

I still listen to that sleep meditation from time to time, and when the teacher talks about relaxing, it’s much easier for me to release the tension of the day. My bones don’t hold that deep ache. My people pleaser was strong. She managed my relationships for years, and it’s taken a lot of this deep work to unravel her hold. The result has been so worth the effort!