Basking in the gratitude that I belong

This year, I vowed to build community. Find like-minded people to collaborate with, befriend, and enjoy life with. Today it hit me as I looked at my phone to three beautiful text messages: one from a local Reiki group, one from two mom friends planning an evening out, and one from a local practitioner inviting me for coffee. Community. Right there in my notifications.

My heart soared. I sat down and took it in. Then I spent a minute scrolling through my texts, pausing and noticing messages from:

• Like-minded practitioners

• Fellow coaches

• Longtime friends

• Supportive family

• Caring neighbors

• Reiki family

When I became a coach, I thought, I’ll build an online community because there aren’t any Adult Chair coaches in Cleveland. Then, when I did Reiki, I chose a distance teacher and thought, I’ll build that online too. And online communities are great. But in April, I thought, I want to expand my local network. I want to get out of the house! I texted a friend who does Reiki to see if she wanted to go for a walk. And she invited me to her beautiful in-person Reiki circle. Things grew from there.

My old story

As a kid, I wasn’t cool or popular. I was teased in early elementary school for being awkward and a little bit strange. Then I developed early, so I was objectified and teased for being too big and too tall. 

Then I never had the right clothes or style. I didn't know the right music, pop culture, or the right shows. I wasn’t invited to the right parties. I wasn't included in the right friend circles. 

I developed a belief that I didn’t fit in. That I wasn’t like everyone else. That played out for a long time. In wanting to build community this year, I had to work on that limiting belief. I had to embrace not losing myself to fit in or to try to be like everyone else.

Changing the narrative

In this process, I hit a bit of a wall. I felt like, well, I’m not experienced enough or spiritual enough, or I don’t say the right things. Even after all the work I’ve done, these negative thoughts about not fitting in crept in.

And I reached for my community.

I asked a fellow coach and Reiki friend if we could swap sessions. I was determined to work on this lack of fitting in. With her, I worked through the part of me that feels different, unlikable, and like I don’t have what it takes to fit in with others. I left with a mantra of “I belong,” which I’ve been saying on repeat to myself every day since.

• I belong at a neighbor’s dinner party.

• I belong at my yoga studio.

• I belong on a Zoom call with my Reiki community.

• I belong at the coffee shop with new friends.

• I belong at a backyard gathering of like-minded women entrepreneurs.

• I belong on an impromptu walk with friends.

What’s changed?

My mindset. A deep knowing that I belong. I don’t have to over-contribute or look or act a certain way. I don’t have to have the exact right clothes or hairstyle. I don’t have to drop the right names and know about pop culture.

I just look for the right next place and insert myself there, whole and at peace.

To these wonderful people, thank you. 

If you’re looking for community or peace or belonging, here’s what’s worked for me:

1. I kept thinking that I wanted to cultivate a community locally. So instead of walking around thinking, “That’s not for me, I don’t fit in here,” I did the inner work to change that belief and turn it into “I belong.”

2. Then, when I was out and about or meeting new people from the “I belong” narrative, it was easy to build new and reignite old relationships.

3. When feelings came up, I allowed them instead of shoving them down. I took time to process insecurity, feeling like a fraud, and other tough emotions. I worked with my triggers, getting to know them and what lesson they were there to teach me. 

4. When I got home from these outings, I made a point of not overanalyzing. I didn’t ruminate or judge myself by thinking, “Did I say the wrong thing? Did I act weird? Did that person not like me?” If those thoughts arose, I acknowledged them with love and grace and regrounded myself.

5. Instead of seeing the world from the narrow view of “I don’t fit in,” I learned to see it from the expansive “I belong” perspective. This higher vibrational energy has connected me with so many more people.

Waves of gratitude

Which led to an enormous wave of gratitude this morning as the texts came through. 

I could have just responded to the messages and not taken a moment to notice it. I might have gotten the same sort of slew of texts at another time in my life and not let any deeper meaning or appreciation sink in. I don’t know why this morning I noticed that the goal I set for myself is coming to fruition. That these things are actually happening, but I did. 

That’s a lot for a little moment with my phone, and for that I am grateful. 

---

Rebecca Fellenbaum is a certified somatic life coach, Reiki practitioner, intuitive guide, writer, and Cleveland, Ohio-based mom. She helps women who have “made it” on the outside feel great about themselves on the inside so they can find joy in their lives, kids, and families. Get her free guide: Slowing Down: 9 Steps to Live With Intention to start meaning it when you say you’re doing fine.